History

Please read this entry before proceeding. Otherwise you will not know why this was written.

June 17, 1975
At Montgomery General hospital, in Olney, MD, I come into the world

With in 9 months I am living in Northern Iran with my family. While we will be back in Olney in 2 years, I am haunted by this country for the rest of my life. It is probably the source of my interest in Islam, specifically Sufism and heretical fringe Islamic religious groups.

In 1979, we move again. This time to the town of Warrenton, VA, south west of DC. We live there until the summer of 1981. Moving back to Olney after I complete the first grade.

Socially the move is a disaster. From 2nd to 5th grade I go through periods of have two or three friends to having no friends at all. This leaves me with a reduced sense of self worth and a retarded ability to interact with my peers.

Middle school is better. I have a few more friends, but my inability to communicate at the correct levels leaves me feeling like a constant outsider. In 8th grade I have my earliest memory of suicidal thoughts. I spend the school year debating about the best way to kill myself.

High school continues the trajectory of middle school. I have a core group of friends, basically the freaks and geeks of the school, but still constantly feel like I am outside of all social groups. My senior year starts with the overwhelming feeling that no one wants me around. I decide that I will slit my wrists before first period. I am only waiting for the day. In the end, I talk myself out of it. Later, I come to the conclusion that the day never would have come and I would have never gone through with it. I just wanted someone to see how miserable I was.

Three events during my time in high school will foreshadow the life to come.

1) In '91 my older brother buys the first Blues Traveler album. I am blown away by John Popper's ability to write songs that resonate with what I am feeling. During the summer of '92 I hear about a tour that they do with a group of like minded bands, called HORDE. I am not able to attend the local show, but do make a note of the bands involved. Right before my senior year, I happen to see a video for the Spin Doctors' first single. I remember them as a band on the HORDE tour. Since I enjoy the single, I buy the album. I also make a mental note to find the third band that was mentioned, Phish. I will hear my first Phish album, Picture of Nectar, in Oct. Surprised by the diversity of the album, I dig deeper. In Feb. of '93 I see Phish for the first time at Lisner Aud. in DC.

2) During my junior year, I discover punk. My first album is either a greatest hits album for The Misfits or a tape of the first two Minor Threat 7 inches. Of the two bands, Minor Threat make the biggest impact on me. I am taken by the willingness of the music to exist outside of the normal structures of music, as well as its appeal for all outsiders.

3) Near the beginning of my senior year, I befriend the manager of the local comic book shop, Andy. Andy not only introduces me to the world of comics outside of super heros, but also introduces me to punk and takes me to that first Phish show, as well as my second. It is from Andy that I will receive my first lesson in the ethics of punk and DIY culture, though I don't really 'get it.'

On my 18th birthday, Andy gives me two books. All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarden, by Robert Fulghum and The Tao of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff.

In Sept of '93, I begin school at Radford University. The period is marked by a steep decline in the depression that has been following me for as long as I can remember. The one bright point of this time is my introduction to the Internet.

I follow my interest in the HORDE bands and find even more bands of similar mind sets to listen to. This scene will eventually evolve into the jamband scene. At the same time I am growing tired of the 'holier then thou' element of punk. I end up leaving punk behind to focus on this new scene.

Combining this new scene with my new access to the Internet, I begin to develop a reputation as someone with good tastes who can also write. I am struck by the idea that people will go buy albums or see bands, simply because of something I wrote. I am taken even more by the fact that there are people in the world who want to meet me and an incident where I meet someone for the first time and they are already familiar with who I am. For someone who has never fit in, this idea is intoxicating.

On Dec. 24, 1994, I receive word from Radford that, due to poor academic performance, I am on academic suspension for the next semester. My parents decide to pull me out of Radford and have me enroll in the local community college.

The winter of '95 is marked by a peek in the first stage of my internet fame and crippling depression. Driving home one night from work I am struck by the thought that, if I was to feel like it, I am finally capable of killing myself. Luckily, the thought never crosses my mind and by spring I am actively trying to change things.

August 8, 1995. I have my first peek experience at the local HORDE show. I am completely sober and should be bummed out, since I am at the show alone and have been unable to find anyone that I was supposed to meet. Instead I spend the day feeling content. During the Blues Traveler set, things click and I am over taken by an extreme sense of joy while dancing. Strange looks from those around me, which normally would have forced me into my shell, instead make me smile more and increase the joy that I feel. I am completely unable to comprehend what has happened to me, but know that it is big. During the drive home, I fight back tears of joy so that I can focus on the road. After I get home I write an email that I send out to several email lists. I get a fair number of responses, all positive.

At some point during this period, possibly in response to the email, I begin communicating with a person in OR named Tyler. Our conversations tend towards either discussions of music or spirituality. Over the next several years, Tyler refuses to give me any answers to my questions, but instead helps me to answer the questions for myself. During this period, I am begin looking into Historical Jesus research in an attempt to understand what has happened to me, using the Catholic faith I was raised with as a framework. This is supplemented by readings into Zen and Taoism.

In May of '97, a friend helps me get a volunteer job at a local music festival. During the second day, after finishing my shift, I wonder over to the merch table, which my friend is running. Soon after, he is needed to go run an errand and I volunteer to work the booth while he is gone. I end up working the booth for the rest of the day and soon find myself working for the promoter, running the merch table at festivals, handing out fliers, taking money at the door for club shows, and other odd jobs. The popularity of the promoter's shows with in the jamband scene, means that I am suddenly a very popular person.

It is during this period that I befriend a band from Morgantown, WV, called The Recipe.

In Sept. of '97 or '98, at a Recipe show, I have my second peek experience. Because of my research in to the origins of Christianity, I see the event in a very Christian manner. It feels as if I had been filled with the Holy Spirit and communicated directly with God. I understand, even during the experience, that this was just a metaphor that my mind was using, but it still makes an impression on me. This event marks the end, for now, of my spiritual development. From here my growth is more a mental/metaphysical evolution. I also begin my awakening as a political liberal at this point.

In Dec. of '98, the RecipePorchParty mailing list is started. A combination of my friendship with the band and an uncharacteristically upbeat attitude lead to me being a well known figure on the list. Over the next two years my popularity grows. I have now gone from being an outcast in all situations, to being one of the "cool kids."

At the same time, and on the recommendation of Tyler, I read my first Robert Anton Wilson book, Schrodinger's Cat. I find the book interesting and fun, but little more then that. My next RAW book though, Masks of the Illuminati, is the start of a slow slide towards a minor nervous breakdown. Shortly after reading the book, I become convinced that I am trapped inside the book. Projecting the paranoid mindset of the lead character's initiation into the Golden Dawn onto my own initiation into the world of metaphysics. I also become interested in theories about the consensus/subjective nature of reality. I unknowingly begin an experiment to test the limits of reality, in effect, an experiment to create self induced schizophrenia.

In May of '99, I finally graduate from the University of Maryland, Baltimore County and begin doing help desk work at a local software company. At the same time, I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the state of the jamband scene. Outside of the scene around The Recipe, I feel like I no longer belong. This is partly the result of meeting a new friend, Streator, who lives in WA. I met Streator through an email list that Tyler had invited me to join. Streator straddles the worlds of being a deadhead and a punk. He reintroduces me to the world of punk and explains the ethics of punk and DIY culture to me again. This time I get it, and begin to integrate it into my own world view.

During the first half of 2000 my popularity in The Recipe scene peeks. My mental state also collapses. I become convinced that I am being bombarded by Discordian symbology. I take to drinking gin each night before bed, because it is the only way I can sleep with out spending hours wondering if I am going insane and whether I will spend the rest of my life in an asylum. I am now aware of the experiment that has been happening for the past year or two and begin to question if it was a smart thing to do. I also finally recognize the effect that my elementary school years has had on me and that I have spent my life since then trying to bury the emotional baggage.

During the summer of 2000 I begin to come out of the fog of the previous several months. I move to Northern VA after the company I was working for closes its Baltimore office and I am only able to find work with a government contractor in VA. I attempt to live a normal life and swear off the insanity that has defined my life since that first peek experience. I find normalcy to be depressingly boring, but am unable to jump back into the insanity. I spend the next couple of years trying to slowly reintegrate myself into the weirdness, before realizing that I have moved onto to a new mode of thought and must discover a new weirdness to go with it.

I also, during this period, finally make peace with my inner geek. I shift from someone who has spent his entire life trying to hide it, to someone who is borderline militant in its defense.

Musically, I officially abandon the jamband scene and begin to listen to avant garde and experimental artists. In particular, Japanese noise bands like Boredoms and Sachiko M, free folk bands like Sunburned Hand of the Man and Dredd Foole, psych bands like Acid Mother's Temple and Musica Transonic, as well as no wave, improvisational, and dance punk.

And that brings us up to today. I have recently started listening to a select few jambands again. I also officially became a deadhead in 2003. At the beginning of 2004, I moved back to MD. This has helped me tremendously in overcoming the low level depression that I have been suffering from since I moved to VA. And for the first time since the insanity of 2000, things are looking up.

Posted by Matt at July 3, 1111 02:35 AM