Changing direction

There have been a few changes in direction with this blog, since it was first created. The latest change, I feel needs to be addressed.

A little over three years I finished my last trial. It was particularly hard one to go through, though they have never been easy. This one ended in the loss of a friendship, when I made a rash decision that was motivated purely by me being burnt out and wanting to avoid drama. I needed time to lick my wounds, and pushed someone away that I shouldn't have. I regret this. Even more because attempts to mend things have resulted in either anger or nothing from the other party. I fucked up, and I don't think I'm ever going to get the chance to make things better. That saddens me, she was a little flakey, but a fun person to be with, and I think I'm a poorer man for not having her as a friend.

After the trial I spent a year or two in hibernation. As I said, I needed times to lick my wounds and try to make sense of what had just happened to me. I flirted with trying to live a normal life during this period, but ultimetly found it distasteful and boring. I was not built to live the normal life. My priorities are not thier's, and I crave magic in the world to much. I prefer to see things with the eye of the "adult child" (to use a Taoist reference). I'm not always successful, but I try. I also finally came to terms with my inner geek during all of this, and I feel better for doing so.

About a year ago I started to get fed up with hibernation and started feeling restless. Unfortunetly, I'm not much of a social person in the best of circumstances, and in this Bablyon, it's even worse. So I turned restless on the vine, trying to find my place in all of this. I picture this as the birthing pains of the new me. The trial being the conception. I decided that what I needed was god. I needed to reconnect with the spiritual in my life. Hell, it's worked in the past. Hence all those posts about Christianity and Islam and other things. I was trying to force myself into that role, and picking up where I left off. Except I'm no longer the person I was when I let things drop. And recently, I've decided that its wroung to force these things. Instead I'm focusing on the passions I do have right now, following them to their ends, and seeing where things take me. I'm sure I'll end up at religion sooner or later, but I think I need to take the new me for a test drive first. I must know myself better, before I can try and know god.

This acctually leads into the next part of this post. I was reading through some old entries and I came across this entry, where I said the following:

But, my instinctive suspect also extends to Protestant scholars. And I am instincevly accepting of John P. Meier, a Catholic priest.

I was struck by how badly I worded this phrase, and now feel the need to go back and do a little damage control. First, I have no problem with any of the Protestant denominations. I am not so full of myself to think that I have any answers when it comes to religion, and in fact am suspicious of anyone who things they do. The rant is in relation to Historical Jesus research. A subject ripe with dogmatism. Since I was raised Irish Catholic, I am aware of the dogmatic tendancies of Catholics. And so, when reading the research of a Catholic priest, I feel comfortable in being able to feel out the dogma. And reacting as I feel the need to do so. Other denominations though, I'm not as familiar with thier doctrines, and so it is harder for me to reconize when a piece of information is being put forward because the evidence is pointing in that direction, and when they are making the evidence conform to their dogma. And so I end up questioning everything.

I'll probably reread this in a few months and decide that I completly misrepresented myself, but i guess that's good enough for now.

Posted by Matt at September 14, 2003 08:09 PM