Death of Ego

Shava is talking about a ritual in the Philippines where Catholics nail themselves to a cross. She talks about how this practise relates to other rituals concerned with the death of the ego. Things like the Sun Dance ritual. (BTW, I think it's Discovery Channel or TLC that has a show on the history of body modification. In the second half there is a short scene where they film and talk to a guy who goes through the suspension ritual. It's an interesting experience to watch, but not reccomended for the weak of stomach.)

Her writings struck a chord with me. It's still to early (both after reading the post and after I consumed my first cup of coffee) for me to really get into my thoughts on the matter, but I wanted to write something before it all just completly left my head.

Like a lot of dissatisfied teens, I played with the roles of pain when I was younger. There's a purity in pain, or there seemed to be. Perhaps it was just my own mind trying to justify my "tortured soul." As I got older my pain fetish moved from physical to psychological, as I started to just abuse the hell out of myself mentally. In the end, it reached a level where I felt more comfortable in my skin if I was in mental anguish. I once remarked to a friend that what I really needed was some woman to come into my life, let me fall in love with her, and then have her rip my heart out. I imagen that I'm not completly alone in this little ritual.

I also can't help wonder about the similarities between these rituals and the rituals that Shava discusses. Both seem to be concerned with the death and rebirth of the ego, though I doubt many "tortured souls" understand this. If you look at it though, it makes sense. Most of these souls are teenagers. Alienated from thier peers and those around them. They tend to yern for an escape, to either be normal or find a place where they fit in. Most find that they were in a transition phase, slipping from the narrow strata of social groups at that age, into the more complex world that awaits them. It is as if, on some subconcious level they understand that they are about to be reborn into a new world. The "tortured soul" routine is a form of exorcism. Leaving behind the trappings of their youthful existence and trying desperetly to find their place in the world. As if they beleave that to move forward their past must be destroyed. That they can not assimilate what they were with what they will become. Though most are probably just searching for a chance to burn off the dead wood of their pain.

On a more personal side of things, the thought that popped in my head while reading the article was of John Zorn's Leng Tch'e piece. Leng Tch'e was inspired by pictures that Zorn saw of the last public execution in Bejing, which imployed the Leng Tch'e style. Leng Tch'e involves giving the victim a small bit of morphine to keep them from dieing of shock and then litterally cutting them into a 100 pieces. The album includes a few dark photos of the execution. None of them are clear enough to be gory, but they are clear enough to convey what is being done and leave an unsettling feeling in the viewers soul. The music itself doesn't help matters. A dark piece of music that occupies the space that has been created by the experiments between jazz/fusion musicians and metal/punk/noise musicians. The piece is interesting, and can be handled in a cerebal fashion that allows for understanding, but lets the listener retain some distance between the sounds and the subject. That is untill about the 16th or 17th minute of the 35ish minute piece. It's at this point that Eye from The Boredoms comes in on vocals. This is before The Boredoms did Super AE so Eye's vocal style is still a series of blood curtling screams. It immedietly puts the listener in a bad place. Detachment is no longer possible as you are forced to imagen the screams of the victim as they are being cut. It's as if the morphine has worn off, and the victim suddenly is fully aware of what is being done to him. And you, the observer are suddenly fully aware that this is a living person. Zorn's alto sax squeels, which sound like a screaming woman, do not help alieviate the situation and serve to only pull you deeper into the mix. I've made it through the piece on two occasions, needless to say, it is not extremely easy to do so. Both times I made it through, I spent the last 10 mins trying to suspress the urge to pull my headphones off and throw them across the room.

The reason that I mention this is that one day we were chatting at work about music. One of my coworkers was very into metal when he was younger and since I was passingly into it (I hopped over to punk pretty quickly) we occasionally reminecse about old bands. After chatting a bit we headed off to lunch. On the way back, I played him a portion of the begining of Leng Tch'e. I then fast forwarded to Eye's intro. He spent the rest of the day commenting about the experience, and how it had disturbed him on a very base level. Now, to give context, this is a guy who spent part of his youth very much into things like death metal, he's not a light weight.

What I found interesting, after reading Shava's post, was that for him the experience immedietly became an initiation. There are three of us who work in the office, A, the coworker, is my age, while M. is a bit younger. A. immedietly started talking about initiating M. by making him look at the photos and listen to the music. I just find it interesting that a piece that was inspired by pain and torture and leaves such a strong impression on the mind that it can still be felt a day or two later, immedietly took on that kind of role in the mind of someone who would not have been aware of the implications of what he was saying.

In other news, I think I will spend the day listening to noise and drone.

Posted by Matt at April 21, 2003 11:05 AM