A time of renewal

Shortly after my first ecstatic experience I felt compelled to reevaluate my belief structure. Not a true crisis of faith, just seperating the things that I felt in my heart from all the stuff that had been tossed on by other people.

By my 22nd birthday (6/17/97), almost two years after my first exstatic experience (8/25/95), I had become fixated on a section of the Gospel of Luke that seemed to connect with something very deep in me. The section reads:

" 27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,
28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.
29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also.
30 Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.
31 And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.
33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.
34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again.
35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.
36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.
37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again."
(Luke 6:27-38)

In the fall of '97, I had my second exstatic experience. This one was much more spiritual then the first. I was left with the feeling that God had told me that this passage was the key. Following those two rules; love all and judge none, was the heart of what was important.

Further thought lead me to the conclusion that those rules are the heart of most of the world's religions. And with this knowledge I explored what the world had to offer, both spiritually and philosophically.

I'm not sure exactly when I lost my way. But, I know by the time I had recovered from my breakdown, I had lost the love that had guided me.

At first, I thought it was just a shift in my path, from spiritual to intellectual. I had made this jump in the past. Whenever one grew faster then the other. Later, I decided that perhaps my spiritual growth had just been completed and I had gone as far as I had to (talk about arogance). In the last couple of months thought I have realized what I am missing.

In her book Christian Mysticism, East and West; which I am now reading, Maria Jaoudi says the following:

"Mere emotional reactions have the capability to engulf us in their virulence of anger, hatred, and judgemental narrowmindness. Indeed, we often become so attached to our emotional blocks that the reaction itself becomes reality to us."

I doubt the last few years of my life could be summed up better.

Last night I made the decision that it was time to reconnect and repair the damage that I have done. I started reading Christian Mysticism last night. I'm going to try and track down some books on the early Christian church (circa 1st century) and then may be move in to Sufism and Eastern religions.

Posted by Matt at March 12, 2003 05:12 PM